Contest #9 Winners
“When I said “Let’s go down to the river and get tanked,” this is not what I had in mind.”
“Row-Row-Row your Cow Trough.”
“In the old days, it took 12 beers to give me the spins. Now it just takes one.”
“Easy boating — everything’s always river right.”
“Troughin’ — The River Rat’s answer to tailgating.”
“Rub a dub dub, down the creek in our tub.”
“Honey…where did you say you heard about this outfitter from?”
Contest #8 Winners
“The motor season starts on April 1st and lasts through September 15th.”
— Scott Anderson
“I know the parking lot looks unsafe, but I still think we should leave the truck behind!”
“The newest thing in boats — the auto eddy.”
‘Who needs oars when we have an Oarsmobile?”
Contest #7 Winners
I don’t know if Satan can swim or not… and it doesn’t matter. No raft wants to hit those horns. Paddle on Satan, paddle on.
“Satan? No my name is Satin. You must be thinking of my cousin.”
“Devil Falls, Baby!”
“Flaming orange drysuit: preferred by Satans around the world!”
Spirits are high at the put-in on the River Styx.
The next rapids? Devil’s Punchbowl and Satan’s Cesspool.
Contest #6 Winners
Raft Splat 11-10
”Are you sure this is the float-up bar?”
”Next time, let’s put the fat people in the front.”
”I think the compass is broken…”
”This sounded like a good idea when the guide suggested it…shat happens next just plain sucks!”
“Is this the take-out?”
Contest #5 Winners
Surf Cream Shot Caption Entries
Surfers are the ones who should invest in helmets.
“10 points for nailing one, 20 apiece for more than one!
New to the surfing environment, a pair of whitewater boaters mistake surfer for a splat rock.
— Granville Angell
“Give me back my Tevas or I’ll run you over!”
Silly surfers…they didn’t even bring weapons!
“I told you there would be less traffic than on the Golden Gate Bridge…”
Natural selection at its finest.
Contest #4 Winners
1) “Anyone got a Kleenex? My runny nose has frozen on my beard.”
2) “Hey…just in case I hit an iceberg.
3) “I don’t care, I’m peeing in my suit.”
4) “That’s what I get for betting on the Broncos!”
“I don’t think the hard stuff is going to come down for quite awhile. I’d play through.”
Contest #4 Winners
One raft guide, one shaft, one huge piece of rubber, two horny rafting chics…PRICELESS!
But do you do dishes?
The Doobie Brothers meet the Do-me Sisters…
With the lack of quality guides, Acme Outfitters tries a new guide recruiting campaign….applicants have quadrupled!
Those aren’t inflatable…
Nice racks…er, rafts!
Hi…I’m Nate Bird and I’ll be your guide today.
The top 3 following entrants have won a pair of Teva sandals or OutdoorPlay gift certificate! Wheee…the fun never stops at Paddling Life!
Contest #3 Winners
1) And they said striders would never catch on.
2) The mystery move in its highest form.
3) BREAKING NEWS: New kayak design takes over where Wonder Women’s invisible plane left off…
4) Karen Knight unemployed as freestyle canoeing is outsourced to Guangdong province.
5) Walk on water? Let’s see him do this?
6) Ha! If you think this is amazing you should see me hang glide!
Contest #2 Winners
1) I knew this $15 kayak was good for something. .
2) “Let’s see… cotton..polyester … damn..this iron doesn’t have a drytop setting!” .
3) Niagara starch…serving image-conscience paddlers since 1978.
4) Mom said the only way I could go boating was to finish my chores…Fooled her! .
5) You don’t have time to go kayaking?!? You just need to multi-task. .
6) Don’t you know you can only steam clean drytops? .
7) If only I had an extension cord. .
8) Ancient Chinese Secret, huh? .
9) Hey, when you’re through would you mind welding this crack in my hull? .
Contest #1 Winners
1) Move over JC, EJ is here!
2) As the latest entry into athlete sponsorships, The Church of Latter Day Saints displays its new team logo.
3) Yes I like the new sponsor—it’s just that the cross lowers our gas mileage.
4) We churn the water into wine!
5) Jackson Kayaks feels right at home boating in the bible belt.
6) And on the third day of the competition God said, “This is my beloved son EJ, he can never be beaten so the rest of you can just suck my heavenly lightning rod!!!”
7) Smooth dad, now we can tune in fox but we can’t drive under any bridges….. (allen_satcher)
8) Look out Jackson Town! Johnny and June heard the pony keg was tapped!
9) And on the 8th day, he created kayaking.
10) Watch out J.C. ’cause E.J.’s doing more than just WALKING on water!
11) Having already monopolized the North American circuit, the Jackson team prepares to dominate the Vatican series.
12) Says EJ: “The cross is so people don’t HATE me for winning all the time”
13) So that is how they do it.
14) We are on a mission mam’, a mission from God.